Published May 18, 2005
IT
Coming closer and closer
faster and faster.
Teeth sharp as daggers
paws so big , body so strong
I'm it's prey.
It wont rest until i'm in it's claws.
I'm afraid.
More slower and quieter
Eagerly ,it follows
Waiting to pounce.
Quickly, it leaps up,
Grabs me
I stuggle.
but it is too strong
i cry loudly
It pauses for a split second
i manage to get away.
I'm safe, for now
i may not be as lucky next time.
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
its a cool idea, but it was rather vague; it didnt really speak to me...
Coming closer and closer
faster and faster.
Teeth sharp as daggers
paws so big , body so strong
"big" and "Strong" arent very intrestesting adjectives, maybe you could come up with some juicier synonyms?
I'm it's prey
It wont rest until I'm in it's claws
I'm afraid.
i liked the line "It wont rest until im in its paws." but like arieda07 said, "im afraid" doesnt really fit. be more specific. maybe you could say something more like, "I quake in fear" that actually shows us how you feel instead of just telling us.
this is a cool idea like i said, and i think it has potential to be really powerful. just be more specific, add some imagery, and use more exciting words. i hope i dont seem too nit- picky, im just trying to be constructive. there were some great things about this poem, it was very natural and flowed nicely, and i liked the way you built suspense. keep on writin!!!
Sounds like you penned down whatever came down to your mind. And it was a nice idea not to reveal what the beast was.
I like it, but it seems a little rushed.
It was good! And it matches your avatar.
Well, quite honestly, it's okay. Nothing profound, and no really great images, but okay.
This whole bit is really cliched...surely there must be a more original way to say this. Teeth sharp as daggers? It's been done.
The first three lines are okay, but "I'm afraid" just doesn't seem to fit.
Okay, first of all, it should be: "More slowly and quietly" if that's how you want to phrase it. I personally think that:
"Slowly...quietly...
Eagerly it follows:
Waiting to pounce."
would be better, but you could also change the words. This section has the potential to be really wrought with tension, but instead it kind of flops.
It makes me think of an old, silent horror film...and not in a good way.
My first impression when I finish the poem is "Oh hey, look. She got attacked by some animal with big claws. But she got away. Uh... how?"
Add some description! Tell us how terrifying the blood dripping from the teeth of the panting animal is, how utterly mind-numbing the fight is. How close a call, how you almost lost your life...but may not walk away if you were to meet again.
I'm not trying to be harsh, just honest. I hope I've been of some help.
this was good, yet it moved a bit fast..
"I'm afraid. "
"I stuggle."
"i cry loudly "
"i manage to get away."
These four lines seemed very blunt to me. I suggest finding better words to replace the ones you have on there.
its like a tiger but i sort of made it up
Brillant it a fast moving poem that wat i like about and by the is the beast a Tiger